


Disruption

by Pandir



Series: Justice & Anders - Bodily Fluids [4]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Blood, Dealing with the concept of being vulnerable, Dissociation, Gen, Healing, Mentions of gruesome injuries, Panic Attacks, Post-Merging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 15:25:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5168873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pandir/pseuds/Pandir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders knew that they both relished in how in tune they were as they saved, preserved and healed. It might have been exhausting on a substantial level, but healing was just as rewarding, and seeing the good they could accomplish together came with a peace of mind that he had learned to savor.  </p><p>At least until, for the first time since he and Justice had joined, they <i>bled</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disruption

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KrokoRobin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrokoRobin/gifts).



> Written for the prompt "bodily fluids".
> 
> This one is about blood.

Broken bones and seeping gashes were nothing that disturbed Anders much, not after all these months he’d spend healing the injured and sick. Still, the certainty that Justice gave him was much appreciated. There was something profoundly reassuring about the knowledge that the magic he wielded would suffice, to feel the radiating source of energy he had not possessed before, knowing that he had only to reach deep inside of himself to access it, to let it flow and mend.

Anders knew that they both relished in how in tune they were as they saved, preserved and healed. It might have been exhausting on a substantial level, but healing was just as rewarding, and seeing the good they could accomplish together came with a peace of mind that he had learned to savor.  

At least until, for the first time since he and Justice had joined, they  _bled._

 

*

A young Fereldan man had been mugged, left to die in the streets, and as they carried the bleeding boy into his clinic, Anders knew there was no time to be wasted. When he told the man who had brought him to hold the boy down, Anders hurried to cut his whimpering, wincing patient out of his torn and blood-drenched clothes. But the boy struggled against the hands that were holding him down, his sudden movement twisting the knife in Anders’ hand as Anders tried to hold onto it to ensure he would not cut the flesh beneath. There was sharp pain as the blade cut into his palm and with it came a sudden surge of panic, but Anders tried to pay it no heed.

Thankfully, the sight of the gaping stomach wound was enough to draw his mind back to the task. Healing required focus, and Anders did try his best to block out any rising uneasiness until he had ensured that the boy’s bleeding had been stopped and his pain was eased so that he could find some rest.

Yet once Anders retreated to the back of the clinic, the little private room where he had set up a make-shift bed and kept his scarce belongings, to clean his hands and recover from the healing procedure, he felt his composure crumbling. His mind was still oddly clear, not clouded by exhaustion, but strangely detached from his body, as if his the faltering feet were not his, but foreign. Even the water did not feel cold on his hands as he washed the blood off his skin. Then the throbbing pain in his left hand resurged at the contact, and it was so shockingly real and immediate that Anders jerked his hand away as if the water had burned him. Alarmed, Anders hurried to inspect the wound at the side of his palm, but to his surprise, it did not seem to go too deep.

As he pressed his finger to the side of the cut, blood welled up immediately, and the sight of it filled him with dread. Still, Anders could not turn his gaze away from it, as his trembling fingers brushed over the small, bleeding wound, smearing a dark trail of blood over his palm in morbid fascination. It kept bleeding as he watched, and for some reason, this unsettled him most, even though he knew it would stop, eventually. He’d had worse. He did not understand what was happening to him.

At this, a blind panic rose in him, accompanied with a forceful rush of heat, burning through his skin, and it took all of his willpower to not be washed away by it. Eyes pressed shut, Anders focused on his breathing, but each measured breath he drew sounded shaky and frail to him, and he felt his chest tighten again with a strange fear he had never felt before. His pulse was loud in his ears as he pressed the injured hand on his thumping heart, trying to slow the turmoil in his mind that was threatening to drown him.

So he breathed, slowly and deliberately, until the humming in his mind faded and he finally dared to glance at his injured hand again. There were blood stains on his clothes where he had pressed the hand to his chest, but even though it was still bleeding badly, it was nothing compared to the wounds he had just tended to.

_You are not going to die from a cut, you know that. The boy that is lying on the stretcher with a deep flesh wound will, however, if you do not pull yourself together._

That put things into perspective. His thoughts were a mess, but he could not be distracted by his own deficiencies right now. And, as Anders pointedly reminded himself while rummaging for some bandages, this was really not the first minor injury he’d suffered from in his life, and it would not be the last. He was used to healing wounds like a simple cut with little effort, but now he was too unsure whether he could calm his mind enough to maintain the required focus to dare attempt it.

It was only later, in the quiet of the night, that the thoughts in Anders’ head kept circling back to bleeding cut that was throbbing slightly under the tightly wrapped bandages.  _How frail he was, how fragile his hull of skin, how easily torn._

This time, Anders did not try to suppress them, but let Justice’s agitation wash over him as he lay on his back, staring into the dark above his bed and carefully measuring his breathing to slow his racing heartbeat.

They were not of two minds on this, and the admission alone helped calm his circling thoughts. It was useless to fight it, and if he wanted Justice to understand, he had to be honest with himself. It  _was_  disconcerting to be vulnerable. Spending one's life at the constant mercy of Templars ensured that a mage never forgot as much.

“Welcome to the world, spirit”, Anders murmured softly to himself, and was relieved to feel his heart beat steadily beneath his fingers as the uneasiness slowly drained from his mind.

As disconcerting as it was, he’d always been like that, fallible, breakable. It was something he had learned to accept. There were limits to what he could do and what he could endure.

Aligned with the beating of his heart, Anders could sense a strong surge of magic thrumming beneath his fingertips, as powerful as the rush of fear that had overwhelmed him before, as if the residue of its heat was still burning under his skin.

And a different thought rose to the forefront of his mind, both comforting and daunting.

_Not anymore._


End file.
